Happy Holidays friends! I hope you all spent it with great company, food and good times all around. Our Christmas was pretty laid back. Luke and I moved into our new place, so our main focus was to get settled and move into the groove of thaangs. In the meantime, I thought i’d take a short commercial break to think about a major 2019 reflection.
Let intuition lead the way.
For the first time in my life, I let my intuition significantly impact my life. While I was growing up, trusting your gut was more about “not talking to strangers” or “picking your friends wisely,” but never about using it to make big decisions to drive your life.
At the beginning of 2019, I found myself lost and disconnected from my purpose and who I believed to be. It was a couple of months after graduating from college, and this was the first time I felt free (ish?). Feeling free is relative cause there’s still this looming societal expectation of making decisions to go in a particular path. You know…job, marriage, kids. Pretty much what we’ve been conditioned our whole life.
Anyway, what made every bit of my ordeal confusing was that I was sort of on “track.” At 22, I was secure with a great job (which was a big one as an international student), plus I had the opportunity to work on all these incredible projects with global brands. I knew with a couple of years under my belt, I could be on track to being the career woman I always dreamed of. Everything should’ve felt great, but I couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was off. The only thing I could point to was that this was a “me problem” because, how could I possibly be ungrateful for an opportunity like this?! This lack of understanding turned into constant toxic self-criticism – where I entertained negative feelings about my worth and ended up spiraling into a lot of other areas in my life.
I kept thinking the feeling would go away, but nope. It was persistent for six whole months. That’s when I knew something had to change. And it had to start with leaving my job- with or without a plan. It wasn’t an easy decision considering the circumstances I was in, especially as a foreigner and already being solely independent. I had no idea if I was going to bounce back or at the least find a solution that could cover me until I figured myself out but, I had to trust I would and thank the heavens – I did.
Till today I still don’t have an answer to why I felt the way I did – but what I know for sure is that sometimes the universe gives you signs, and you have to run with it.
This opened up my first big “F*** It” moment. For the past 10+ years, I spent my entire life trying to mark specific goals because of what society curates as successful. I was basing my life on the ideal picture rather than what truly works for me as an individual. The break was the greatest thing that happened because it got me to understand what fundamentally drives me as a person and makes me get up in the morning. I’m still a work in progress and change is inevitable, but I can say that I’m grounded in knowing what I need right now to feel fulfilled.
With that realization, I also said goodbbye to other things contributing to those feelings (cause lezbehonest; my job wasn’t the only thing that needed a revaluation). Everything had to flip – from my health (mentally and physically), friendships, relationships, media consumption, and overall thought patterns. I said BUHYEFELICIA to anything taking away from my individuality and what made me happy.
Of course – there’s still more experience like these to come, but I’m glad I got to learn to put myself first and discover that no one can dictate what I need besides myself.
With that being said, I’ve also loved hearing about your own f-it moments! In my last few videos, I shared about my experience, and I’ve had the most interesting DMS with some of you sharing your own.
What are some things you did because you listened to your heart? Share away in the comments or let’s chat about it in the DMS.
Sending you love, always!